Death of my Mother

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My mother died a little over a week ago. She was in her 90s and frail…had survived some significant health challenges over the last decade; I thought I had internalized that her death could happen at any time, but it surprised me. It happened very quickly.

My thoughts are still jumping all over the place…

I am savoring the last times I saw her a little over a week before her death – taking her and my dad out to lunch at a new restaurant, talking to them while they ate breakfast the next morning. She had gotten her hair cut and styled by the woman that had done it for the over 40 years recently and was looking great. They both seemed happy. Good times!

One of my sisters cut some of the Japanese quince and added it to a bouquet of other flowers a few days before her death; I am so pleased that my sister did that since Mother had always cut some from the bush in recent years…the first flowers of spring.

She was a very organized person and passed that along to all her daughters along with practical knowledge of households. She went back to college when I was a teenager….started her career as a teacher before I graduated from high school. I’ve always thought of her as a near perfect mother figure. When I had my own daughter….I knew what kind of mother I wanted to be.

My mother was in my life for over 70 years….it might be one metric I won’t be able to duplicate with my own daughter (I will be 105 when she is 70).

My mother recognized how introverted I was very early on. When I wanted to stay in the car while she went into the post office or store, she encouraged me to go in with her. She sent me to ‘charm’ school. She volunteered for my Camp Fire Girls group. She encouraged me to apply to Up with People (and travel during my junior year of high school). She introduced me to her female college professors to expand the role models I had. I will never be an extrovert…but I do have a lot of people skills that were developed even before I entered the workforce and began to get ‘management training.’

There are little lessons that I’ve learned from my mother more recently about aging gracefully:

  • Cut flowers from the yard are wonderful (require developing a yard for flowers). Buying cut flowers is OK (but second best).

  • Family pictures that are easy to see frequently should share space with art.

  • Regular exercise is important….using as many different muscles as possible.

  • Following instructions for physical therapy and medication is important but can be a challenge.

  • Splurges are OK…in moderation.

  • One of the things she said as part of her greeting when I arrived for a visit was ‘I am so glad you are here’…and she repeated that each night as she headed back to her bedroom. Maybe that is one of the biggest lessons of all….to appreciate the people around you and let them know that you do.

Ramping up Elder Care – February 2024

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My parents have rediscovered the joy of going out to a restaurant for a meal. The weekday late lunchtime seems to work best (i.e. not crowded). It is quite a production: two elderly people with walkers…and two (or three) others with them. One of my sisters bought a small refrigerator for their room and they relish being able to put their leftovers there (and seem to prefer eating them for their next meal!). This is probably something I will try to do with them every time I visit. There are a lot of restaurants near the assisted living group home to experience.

Sometimes major bends in our life path are only recognized in retrospect; the events of January and February 2024 are a bend everyone in my family anticipated and acknowledges in real time. My sisters and I are acclimating to others providing the day to day care of our parents with their move to an assisted living home and the family has lost a long term hub for family events with the selling of their house.

  • My parents moved to an assisted living group home at the end of 2023. They’ve settled into their new environment. My mother is improving; maybe it is simply a trend that started back in December, but it could also be the increased social interactions and her confidence that someone is always available to help. It is still challenging for my sisters and I to back away and not jump to assist them when we visit. The staff is helpful and patient with everyone! My dad is about the same although he was very disoriented at first; he is eating well.

  • My sisters and I began to clean out my parents’ house soon after we moved them. They had lived in the house for over 30 years. There was a lot to go through. I made two short (less than a week) trips to Carrollton to help. During January we cleared most of the house by

    • Distributing furniture to family members or selling it or marking it for donation. I took two small tables, and my daughter took a larger octagon table for her office.

    • Donating clothes. There was very little that someone else in the family could wear. The closets in their assisted living rooms are filled to the brim with clothes that they wear.

    • Following the ‘bequeath’ list for decorative and kitchen items. I got 2 items from their 50th anniversary (one passed down from my maternal grandparents’ 50th), 1 from my parents’ 25th  anniversary, items that I remember from my childhood (a knife, fork and spoon of the silver plate my mother bought before she married; a orange cut glass bowl that I bought as a present to my Mother because it was her favorite color), 2 paintings my mother made (one of a dogwood blossom…and the pressed flower that I sent to her in 1984 from my Virginia house that she used as her model), the remnants of my maternal grandmother’s China….too many things to name although I am realizing that I should make a list for myself.

  • The house went on the market on February 1st and we accepted a full-price offer on the 2nd. Closing was requested for 2/28. February became a sprint to clear out the two sheds on the property and donate the furniture that no one in the family wanted. I made a very focused trip to help.

    • Salvation Army came with a truck to get furniture and boxes of books. It was tricky since the city had the street in front of the house torn up (infrastructure update project). The truck managed the pickup from the alley.

    • Tools were mostly distributed to the sister that wanted them. Some were tools from my paternal grandfather.  My daughter got a telescoping tree trimmer (she has the bigger trees…but I can borrow it when I need it).

    • The trash and recycle bins were full for every pickup and some items were put at the curb in front of a neighbor’s house for bulk pickup.

    • Some odds and ends were taken to be repurposed. I got some white vertical blinds (not attached to anything…just loose pieces of blind) which I plan to cover with Zentangle patterns and hang (not sure where yet). There were three small pieces of Masonite that I got for another Zentangle project. Some pieces of wood were taken by my sisters for art projects and specific repairs at their house.

    • One sister is having the king headboard (purchased in 1963…beautiful wood) made into a display case. She also took the antique meat grinder that we found in one of the sheds.

    • Another sister is taking most of the yard equipment to distribute to her family’s houses so that it will be easier for her to do yard maintenance.

Are we through the bend….or is more to come before we settle into a new normal? As I write this my dad has tested positive for COVID-19. The symptoms were mild and initially attributed to some new eye drops. He was tested after one of my sisters that visits frequently tested positive. He is getting Paxlovid. This is the first experience with COVID for him and my mother; they are both vaccinated. Hopefully this will be a minor blip and we’ll achieve a new normal in March.

Previous posts: November 2023, November 2023 update, December 2023, January 2024

Holiday Decorations

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This December is going to be a unique one for me…away from home….focused on other priorities…somewhat stressed by the situation. I am savoring the decorations two of my sisters arranged at my parents’ house:

The wreath on the door…

The reindeer and poinsettias on the mantle…

The big wreath on the wall…

These are all decorations that have been used in previous years…associated with pleasant memories of past Decembers, prompting us to prepare for celebrating an anniversary, a birthday, and Christmas that are all part of our family celebrations in December. The month has always be an emotional high…and this year there is the overlay of realizing that it is probably the last one for my parents in this house.

A short escape into nature

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On the way back to my parents house after a 24 hour stint with my parent in the hospital, I stopped by Josey Ranch (in Carrollton TX) for an escape into nature.

The first bird I saw was a bluebird! Whether or not it was a good omen – it was a great boost to my mood.

I thought at first that there were only scaups on the water.

But then I noticed the coots…and that one of them was smaller than the others. Was it a juvenile? The grass that had grown in the pond over the summer when the water level was low is now flooded and the coots seem to love eating it.

And then a grebe swam by near the coots.

I photographed the sleeping swans with some grebes feeding in the grass nearby.

It was only a short escape from focus on what was happening at the hospital and at my parents’ home…but time well spent for sustaining a positive mental outlook.

A 50th Anniversary

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I posted about my parents’ 70th anniversary back in December; now I am celebrating my own 50th wedding anniversary with my husband. The anniversary prompts me to think about those 50 years of shared life from different perspectives.

Our external focus shifted through the years:

  • For the first 10 years, we were completing our education – a PhD for him, a masters for me. I was working full time during those years…not thinking about computer science as a career for the first 5 years but gradually realizing that I liked the work too much to switch fields. From the beginning he seemed to have a clearer idea of what he wanted to do. We were the first in both our families to go beyond an undergraduate degree.

  • We moved to the east coast for my husband’s work; it was a great career move for me too. We were both focused on our careers for about 5 years.

  • Then we decided to have a child and took the precautions needed for a successful pregnancy in our mid-30s. We thought we were prepared when our daughter was born but quickly realized that there was a learning curve that was just beginning. Between the two of us we successfully juggled parenting and careers…until she went off to college 20 years later.

  • There were 5 years of career focus with occasional bursts of activity to help my daughter move out of the dorm into an apartment, get to an internship, or move for graduate school. The internship and graduate school were more than halfway across the US!

  • 10 years ago - I retired and my husband started a ramp down from his career that continued for several years.

We’ve lived in several states over the 50 years: Texas for 10, Virginia for 3, Maryland for 36.5, Missouri for .5 years. The two long haul moves (from Texas to Virginia and from Maryland to Missouri) were quite different. We had a lot more household items to move the second time, the technology of finding a new house/selling our old one had improved dramatically, and we were able to buy our current house rather than get a mortgage.

Our shared interests have evolved over the years.

  • Photography. My husband was the one that enjoyed photography from the beginning….doing his own black/white and color developing (and printing too). I remember in our first house when one of the developing chemicals was not diluted enough when he poured it down the kitchen sink and it dissolved the disposal flaps! We have a lot of negatives and slides from those pre-digital years. The transition to digital happened about the time our daughter was old enough to start taking pictures. My interest in photography picked up a little when my daughter was born but ramped up dramatically once I retired.

  • Travel. From the very beginning we’ve both enjoyed day trips and vacations to outdoor destinations: gardens, state parks, and national parks. In the beginning, we economized by car/tent camping and not eating out. By the time we moved to Virginia we could afford flying, staying in hotels, and eating out although the road trip still dominated our vacations. When my daughter was born, we shifted our accommodations to ones that had a small kitchen to accommodate her food requirements/preferences. Some of our travel was associated with either my career or my husband’s…so that part of the travel was paid for as part of our work. After she got older and as we travelled more on our own, we enjoyed short term house rentals. For a few years before the COVID-19 pandemic, my husband and I used birding festivals as a focus for our travels.

  • Astronomy. My husband was interested in astronomy before I knew him. One of our early dates included a lunar eclipse at the local astronomy club’s observatory. In the early years of our marriage, we participated in grazing occultations (stars and the mountains of the moon); my role was to help him get the telescope set up as quickly as possible in the assigned location so he could take the measurements. Later I used the cast iron telescope mount to add weight in the back of my rear-wheel drive car – to give it more traction on snowy days in Virginia. His astronomy activity ebbed although he did replace his telescope; we (daughter included) observed the sunrise in 2000…our celebration of the new millennium. Once he retired, he became active the local astronomy club in Maryland and we both camped on the field for a star party at a dark sky site in Virginia several times; he liked the dark sky (and being able to call it a night whenever he got tired) and I enjoyed being outdoors, hiking during the day.

A lot has happened in 50 years and we’re both realizing how fortunate we are that the big decision we made all those years ago was a good one for both of us!

Cancer Diary – Entry 13

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It’s been a year since my cancer surgery. All the diagnostics at the one-year mark show that I am cancer free….so the surgery was a success.

My last post was 4 weeks after the surgery but now I realize I should have done a post at 8 weeks since that is when the hematoma was finally gone. And two weeks later, in the area where the last hematoma color had been, cellulitis developed. The cellulitis might have been unrelated to the surgery, but it was a first instance of cellulitis for me…disconcerting; it was quickly resolved by antibiotics (unfortunately, I develop a reaction to the first type prescribed right after the second dose).

My fingernails became very brittle in the spring. They have returned to normal now. I suspect that the surgery and associated medication change might have been an issue but that my body had recovered/acclimated at this point.

The scar and puckering around it are not fading as quickly as I expected – perhaps because of skin sensitivity to the recommended topical vitamin E and/or cocoa butter and sunscreen, developing hives in the scar area (reaction to an antibiotic), and the silicon patches not being as effective as advertised. My current strategy is to cover the scar when I am out in the sun (rather than using sunscreen) and to use the mildest of moisturizers.

My cancer was detected early before it impacted my perception of health, and the surgery happened expeditiously. A year later, I am feeling healthy (almost like I felt before the surgery) but 2022 had the most health related ups and downs of my life!

Previous cancer diary posts:

Gleanings of the Week Ending September 10, 2022

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The items below were ‘the cream’ of the articles and websites I found this past week. Click on the light green text to look at the article.

Circadian rhythm disruption found to be common among mental health disorders – A lot of research challenges…therapeutic potential.

Striking Winners of the 2022 Black and White Photo Awards – Perhaps I’ll try a B/W photography project…

Global Survey: Climate Change is the Top Threat – Finally….more people are beginning in realize the peril of doing nothing.

Industrial Revolution Reversed 7,000-Year Cooling Trend in Siberia, Bringing Temperatures to Unprecedented Highs – Another aspect of climate change…that threatens to unleash more greenhouse gases…spurring further warming.

Wooden canoe burial discovered in Northern Patagonia – From 850-1,000 years ago….a woman buried in a ceremonial canoe made from a Chilean cedar.

Photographer gets rare glimpse of British Columbia’s Spirit Bear – The black bears with a mutation that blocks the production of melanin…and makes them less visible to salmon (i.e. they catch the fish more effectively than the bears that are black!).

Feeling anxious or blue? Ultra-processed foods may be to blame – A study with over 10 thousand participants. Learn more about the NOVA food classification system used in the study here.

In the field with wolverines – Interesting animals that live in northern areas around the world…only about 300 of them in the lower 48 of the US (in Idaho, Montana, Washington, and Wyoming).

First sighting of massive Atlas moth confirmed (in Seattle) – The Atlas moth is from tropical Asia. The conservatory-based butterfly exhibit I volunteered with for several years (in Maryland) included them occasionally; they were contained in the facility following the permit requirements. Hopefully the one in Seattle didn’t find a mate. Their caterpillars would feast on leaves of apple and cherry trees.

These Early Entries From the 2022 Comedy Wildlife Photo Awards Are a Hoot – Ending the gleanings list with some fun images.

Gleanings of the Week Ending June 18, 2022

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The items below were ‘the cream’ of the articles and websites I found this past week. Click on the light green text to look at the article.

Archaeologists Uncover Hundreds of Colorful Sarcophagi at Saqqara—and They’re Not Done Yet – The seeming endless interest in Egypt…sustained by continuing new finds.

8 cool wild cats you probably don’t know – So many wild cat variations!

Fjords emit as much methane as all the deep oceans globally – When storms churn up water in fjords….oxygenating the fjord floor…methane emissions spike. If the water mixed more frequently the methane emissions would drop because anoxic environments at the bottom of fjords would disappear.

Tree rings are evidence of megadrought – and our doom – Tree ring data indicates that the 22-year period from 2000 through 2021 was the driest and hottest in the last 1,2000 years for the North American Southwest. There was another 22-year drought from 1571-1592 that was nearly as dry but not as hot as the current drought. And the water distribution allocations were made based on a 22-year period between 1900 and 1921 that we now know was an anomalously wet period for area! Not good signs for the future.

A 3400-year-old city emerges from the Tigris River – Drought lowered the Mosul reservoir. There was a quick survey…discovery ceramic vessels with 100 cuneiform tablets…and the conservation measures to project the site as the water rose again. The site is now completely submerged.

Fifty years later, Kim Phuc Phan Thi is more than ‘Napalm Girl’ – One of the most iconic photos of the Vietnam war…still makes be as emotional now as the first time I saw it. She says – To confront violence head-on…’the first step is to look at it.’

Two articles about the flooding in Yellowstone: Repairing and reopening Yellowstone National Park won’t be easy and Extreme flooding devastates Yellowstone, forcing the closure of all park entrances – Very sad….also scary.

Wildlife bedtime: weird nesting habits of North American wildlife – Black bears, black-footed ferrets, jumping spiders, bald-faced hornets, and red-sided garter snakes.

How Vivian Maier, the Enigmatic Nanny Who Took 150,000 Photographs, Found Her Place in History – Street photographer…that only became known after a storage locker of her photographs/negatives was auctioned off when she couldn’t make the payments on it.

Zapping orange peel oil into new, pleasant aroma compounds – I’ve always liked the smell and taste of orange peel (I buy organic oranges and use the whole orange!) but evidently the compound that is in orange peel, limonene, can be the starting platform for other scents as well.

30 years ago – April 1992

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April 1992 was probably the most traumatic month of my career…I ended my work on what I had come to think of as ‘the project from hell’ but hadn’t settled into my new assignment. My husband had helped my situation when he bought our first laser printer in response to the long hours I spent working at home after a full day at the office. It also helped to be away at a company sponsored event in LA for a week…respite from the toxic work environment; one of the phrases I picked up from the speakers was from Herb Cohen – “Care…but not too much” – a message I needed to apply!

My daughter was a full of energy and enjoying her new bedroom arrangement – no more crib; she was enjoying a twin bed. Her Easter morning was probably one of her best ever – she enjoyed finding the plastic eggs ‘hidden’ all over our den and the Winnie-the-Pooh characters I had purchased at the Disney store when I was in LA. The day was too damp to do any egg hunting outside.  Toward the end of the month, it was warm enough for a trek to Wheaton Park where she picked a zebra to ride on the Merry-go-round.

Overall – a memorable month. I am so fortunate that my family kept me emotionally grounded enough to weather the upheaval at work.

A house where we can ‘age in place’

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One of the big considerations for the house we are looking for in Springfield, Missouri is how well would it meet our needs into our 70s and beyond. We’d like to ‘age in place’ in a neighborhood with mixed ages of people rather than a ‘senior’ living development. Here are some things about the neighborhood and the house itself that we’re thinking more about than we have in previous house searches:

Walkability. We’d like to be able to easily walk for a mile or more within the neighborhood. Sidewalks and interesting trees/planting are a plus.

Stairs. Right now, both of us go up and down stairs very easily. I don’t like to carry anything heavy up and down stairs though (my knees start to hurt). It would be OK to have a house with stairs…but it should accommodate 1 floor living too (i.e. kitchen, laundry, bedroom, living area, garage, and going outdoors should require few or no steps).

Flooring. I like tile or wood for all rooms except bedrooms where I prefer wall-to-wall carpeting; carpeting is hard to keep clean over the long term. But – I am anticipating that area or entry rugs will be something that might need to be removed as we get older. My parents made the change in their house when they were in their late 80s.

Layout. All the doors need to be wide enough to accommodate a walker/small wheelchair. In newer houses this is not a problem, but older ones sometimes have narrower doorways. If we become enthusiastic about an older house, we’ll measure the doors!

Location. The house needs to be convenient enough to where my daughter lives….but not too close; within a 30 minute drive sounds about right. Medical facilities should be within 20 minutes or less…ideally in the same direction as our daughter. The area needs to be one that has good mail and delivery service too.

Energy efficiency. We want to protect ourselves from rising energy costs so the house needs to have energy efficient features when we buy it and we might update some appliances (make the house all electric) and then add solar panels….maybe battery storage.

Landscaping. In our early years in the house, creating minimal maintenance landscaping would be our goal. Sometimes home owner associations have some limitations; if they were too restrictive, hopefully they could be changed.

Astronomy. My husband’s objective is to do most of his amateur astronomy from our backyard. If enough sky is visible with our Springfield home purchase, he will be able to enjoy his hobby for many years to come…from the comfort of home.

As I look at houses on the market and in our price range in Springfield, there are houses that will meet our ‘aging in place’ house hunting criteria! I am excited to tour some houses in mid-March when I am in Springfield!

Cancer Diary – Entry 12

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4 weeks after surgery:

  • The surgical glue has flaked off the incision. I collected the bigger pieces and did a round of macro photography – commemorating the milestone – before throwing them away. The texture of the glue varied…crinkled, fibrous, crystalline. Blood that became embedded in it provided some color.

  • I’ve started putting Vitamin E and cocoa butter on the scar to help it fade over time (and am keeping it protected from exposure to sunlight).

  • The hematoma is mostly gone. The speed of the ‘clean up’ increased over the last week.  

  • On a not-so-positive note – I’ve been celebrating too much with food and my weight has started to creep upward…starting work to reverse that and continue on my plan to reduce 5+ pounds from my weight at the beginning of the year.

This with be the last Cancer Diary post unless something else happens. Right now -  the prognosis is good with continued monitoring tests to confirm. All the baseline tests indicate that the cancer was caught early and that my ongoing risk is low.

My experience has prompted me to think about what ‘good medical care’ means….what led to the early diagnosis and treatment. Looking back…it was a 12-year progression from a blood test revealing a risk factor prompting annual monitoring blood tests and ultrasounds. There was a biopsy with a benign result 6 years ago….and lastly a biopsy that revealed the cancer last fall. My primary care doctor coordinated all the monitoring until 2 years ago; I opted to go to a specialist thereafter. The specialist recommended the surgeon. Of the three, the specialist is the best at sharing his rationale of monitoring and treatment….and that is something I have come to appreciate more over the past few months.

Previous cancer diary posts:

Ten Little Celebrations – January 2022

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As I look at my list of little celebrations in January 2022, I am realizing that my surgery stands out so significantly that getting through the surgery itself (the 1st surgery, the reopening of the incision to release blood, the 2nd surgery) is the major celebration of the month! There are little celebrations around that big one: a sunrise and good grocery shopping experience before the surgery, an excellent chicken soup I made a few days after coming home, the hematoma beginning to fade (although it is still not completely gone 2+ weeks afterward…I am checking/celebrating progress every morning), and my first grocery shopping after the surgery (with the assistance of my husband).

The other celebration that stands out this month….more than a little one…is the death of our cat, Boromir. I was glad I held him close for over an hour on his last day….that he seemed at peace. We are still missing him but also celebrating that Boromir was with us for so many years and particularly through the pandemic when we were at home most of the time; he contributed to the positive vibe that seemed so natural…so easily sustained.

And then there were some ‘usual’ little celebrations:

A great meatloaf. I discovered that adding a little olive oil if the ground beef is very lean and using spaghetti sauce instead of salsa improves the texture and flavor!

Red velvet cake/carrot cake for our 49th wedding anniversary. We both savored our slice of celebratory cake…not having any leftovers!

Peppermint snow ice cream. Celebrating a seasonal favorite and plenty of snow to make it!

A new garage door. It was awful to have a damaged door….I celebrated that we could get it replaced quickly.

Snow on the ground. Celebrating the beautiful scene from the windows of our house….and the different perspective as I walked through the neighborhood.

Unique Aspects of Days – January 2022

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This year I am jotting down something unique about each day…encouraging myself to notice those things that are not the same day after day. Sometimes it is related to what I identify as a ‘little celebration’ – but not all the time.

Some of the unique aspects would happen every year – a first snow of the year, a 49th wedding anniversary (Ok – next year will be the 50th),  and a 1st awesome sunrise of the year.

Others will only happen once – perhaps more truly unique: a pet dying, making a new recipe for the first time (this month is was pumpkin peanut powder curry cream (soup)) and a surgery.

Still others I recorded this first month of listing unique events were simply rare: fog in the afternoon and a new garage door.

Overall – this is a good project for 2022…another dimension of awareness into how I am spending my days…making sure I am not ‘in the rut’ all the time!

In Memory of Our Cat

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Our cat since November 200 died this week. He was adult when we got him on November 2003 so was probably 19-20 years old. My husband and I are missing him.

He came to us with a brother. They were named Simba and Puma, but my daughter renamed them Boromir and Faramir after the brothers in Lord of the Rings. Faramir died in April 2017 and Boromir became our ‘only cat.’

His teeth were always problematic and he had tumor that required removal of his jaw almost 10 years ago….one of his ears developed a hematoma then collapsed. But he took those handicaps in stride…continued enjoying his favorite sunny spots and requesting to be let out on the screened deck.

He saw more of us these past few years than any of our other cats did because we have retired from our careers and the pandemic has kept us at home even more the past couple of years. My husband was the primary cat cuddler and provider of an elaborate smorgasbord of small plates with various cat foods across our kitchen floor to tempt the picky eater.  

The cat declined rapidly in the past few weeks with a lot happening during the week of my cancer surgery.  The cat started getting lost in the house…became blind…then seemed to regain some sight. He managed to come upstairs one early morning and meow loudly…clearly wanting something to be different than it was; it was the last time he came upstairs on his own. A few days later, he lost control of his back legs…soon after started refusing to eat or drink and becoming silent.

And now it is a cold, blustery winter day…and our Boromir is not here. The house seems too big and empty right now.  

Cancer Diary – Entry 8

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The surgery day finally came. I showered with antibacterial soap as instructed and minimized what I was taking to the hospital in the pockets of a freshly laundered fleece jacket: new mask, eye glasses case, ID and insurance cards and phone. My clothes were comfortable pull-on pants and a button front top…wool socks with clog shoes. We left early enough that the sun came up while we were enroute into the city. The temperature was in the 20s but the place where my husband dropped me off was only a few steps to the door of the building. With the Omicron surge in our area, he was instructed to go home and come back later to get me.

Everything went as expected at first – easy check in because the pre-registration had been complete…the nurse came out to get me and got me into hospital gowns…IV ports were put in….the anesthesiologist came…the surgeon was about 20 minutes late. And then there was a time I don’t remember at all…and I’m in a recovery room…woozy at first and with a headache…drinking a Sprite and realizing that the dehydration headache from the early morning is gone.

Toward the end of the time in the recovery room, things were not as expected. There was more swelling than there should have been. Rather than going home, I would be admitted for overnight. I began to realize I should have paid more attention to the non-optimal outcomes to the surgery and that my phone was running out of power. I was taken in a wheelchair from the outpatient recovery room, through a labyrinth of corridors to a hospital room; on the way there, I noticed every bump in the route and that the swelling seemed to be increasing. The nurse immediately checked the swelling when I arrived ….and realized a hematoma had formed. There was a flurry of activity in the room where the hematoma was drained; they were able to slow the bleeding but not stop it….so back to an operating room where there was another time that I don’t remember at all.

Afterward I learned that while it is not common – it happens occasionally because so many blood vessels into a cancer have to be stopped…one of mine was not seen bleeding during the 1st surgery so the incision was reopened and it was stopped. Then the area was searched further to make sure there was no other bleeding.

Another time in recovery and then back to the hospital room. A nurse had found a charging cable for my phone while I was in the second surgery, but I was too exhausted to turn on the phone until the next morning.

So – not a ‘smooth sailing’ experience. I found myself being very thankful for the doctor recognizing that something might not be quite right…the nurse realizing that the problem had become critical… the professional team that slowed the bleeding and got me back into an operating room to fix the problem.

Cancer is scary and having a ‘bleed’ right after surgery could have been a ramp up of anxiety…but my emotions were almost on pause…in a surreal experience of passively observing highly trained people focused on me…doing what needed to be done. I’ll always remember someone reassuring me, as pressure was applied to slow the bleeding as they moved me from the hospital room to the operating room, that they would get me a clean gown.

Cancer Diary – Entry 7

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A flurry of pre-op activity….the discipline of getting to appointments on time and filling the waiting time between.

The uptick in activity pre-surgery increased two weeks before the surgery date with an appointment with my primary care physician for bloodwork, EKG, and chest x-ray. Everything came back good for the surgery; however, there was a ‘nodule’ that showed up on the chest x-ray. There was a follow-up CT Chest that indicated that the issue seen in the x-ray was not there (i.e. the ‘nodule’ seen in the x-ray was a shadow or other artifact rather than something real). I was very discombobulated by the x-ray and was glad I could get an appointment for the follow-up the next day. The data from the tests done by my primary care physician were posted on the surgeon’s portal 9 days afterward….I was glad to know they had gotten to their destination.

Three days before surgery, I had a PCR test for COVID-19 at a drive through testing site for surgery patients (i.e. not a site for the general public/symptomatic people). It was my first experience with a PCR test and was easier than I expected:

  • We had gotten 3 inches of snow overnight and my appointment was at 9 AM, but the streets were relatively clear, and I drove up to the parking lot testing location a few minutes early; there was no line; the guard checked me in, and I drove into the tent where a nurse with full head gear respirator checked my ID and did the test.

  • The nurse did not need to swab deep in my nose!

  • Supposedly the results will be available and posted to the portal within 48 hours…the day before the surgery.

A person from the outpatient surgery center called with some final instructions:

  • No food after midnight, no liquid after 6:30 AM….and stopping certain supplements. I already knew those things from previous instructions, but it was good to be reminded.

  • I need to shower with antibacterial soap (like Dial) and not apply anything post shower; I made a special early morning trip to the grocery store to get the appropriate soap.

  • They are on heightened COVID protocols now and have closed waiting rooms - recommended that my husband drop me off and return at the time the nurse specifies during a call to him when my surgery is complete; he will never go into the building. I will be at the surgery center for at least 5 hours.

  • When the nurse calls my husband after my surgery concludes, she will also provide details for at-home/follow-up care and then I will get the same thing in writing before I leave the facility. One question we’ll ask is whether we should proactively assume I might have been exposed to COVID and should implement our strategy of masking/separation-when-unmasked at home.

  • The time I need to arrive for surgery was 15 minutes earlier than I was told previously.

  • I needed to provide insurance and billing information to the pharmacy at the facility so the nurse could pick up any prescription I needed to send home with me.  

  • The exact location in the building where I need to go when I arrive was also indicated; all I had before was the address of the building.

  • The list of things I should bring with me is short enough to fit in my coat pocket: insurance card, glasses case, phone, photo id. They already have my medication list in their files.

I am set to stay near the bedroom on the second floor of our house for at least the 1st 24 hours after surgery. Snacks and flowers and supplements are on top of my dresser. There is a small folding table and chair set up in case I want to eat a meal or two up there.

I am relieved that the surgery is going to happen as scheduled (not cancelled or delayed because of increased hospitalization due to COVID-19) and reassured after the conversation with the person from the surgery center; it was good to talk to a real person!

Next Cancer Diary post will be about my perception of the surgery day…

Previous cancer diary posts:

Ten Little Celebrations – December 2021

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It’s a season full of celebrations. In my family we have celebrations associated with a birthday, an anniversary, Christmas…and then ones associated with the beginning of winter. Here’s my top 10 for the month:

A winter day at home. Being at home enjoying the forest through the window….still one of my favorite places to be…even in winter. I like I particularly in the morning when the sun first hits the treetops with golden light.

Flannel sheets. The week we change from percale to flannel sheets has a lot in common with decorating for the holidays….it is a celebration of the season…full of warmth and snuggles. It’s such a treat to get into a bed made with flannel sheets prewarmed by a heated mattress pad!

Brookside Gardens lights. Our walk around the lights at Brookside Gardens was even more celebratory this year since we didn’t do our traditional visit to the garden lights in 2020!

Pumpkin roll. Our grocery bakery has this treat seasonally. My daughter is the one that introduced me to them several years ago so the celebration is a special food of the season that prompts me to savor the positive impact she has always had on my life.

My birthday…my parents’ wedding anniversary. Celebration abounds in December for my family…every year.

Coursera course – Anatomy of the upper and lower extremities. What a great way to fill up the lulls this month. It’s challenging enough to require my full attention! Celebrating the course…grateful to the Yale faculty for producing it…Coursera for hosting it.

Druid Hill Park for birding. Celebrating the walk around the park as we did it…and in hindsight that it was before the Omicron variant was spiking in our area.  

My mother’s experience coming home from the hospital. I am celebrating that she is getting focused therapy that is showing positive results….more than any previous hospitalizations.

Telephone conversations. Celebrating all the alternative communications we have…since I didn’t travel in December. Even though we do texts and emails and zoom…somehow the telephone seems to be the one where the deeper communication is occurring (maybe because it is synchronous, one on one and not as ‘quick’).

Quiche. When I make quiche…I simple use what I have on hand – so I am celebrating that one I made recently turned out great!

Cancer Diary – Entry 6

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A month of waiting for surgery and almost another month to go….assuming that the hospital does not become overwhelmed with treatment of COVID-19 patients and the surgery is cancelled/postponed. I am not anxious about the possibility….yet; my concern has been ramping up over the past few days with the hospitalizations in Maryland increasing and the indicators that the Omicron variant’s being more contagious than the Delta variant….and knowing that a lot of people are gathering for the holidays (more than last year….with vaccinations available, a lot of people made big plans for this year prior to Omicron emergence). By early January – the medical system could be very stressed. There is little I can do to improve the situation aside from staying healthy myself; I am trying to keep myself busy and focused on other things.

There was little in my activities this month on the critical path toward my surgery other than continuing to take the medication. The surgery date was moved forward by a couple of days and an appointment made for a pre-surgery COVID-19 test. I was glad there was a lull; I thoroughly enjoyed my daughter’s whirlwind visit (road trip for her) for Thanksgiving and then had time to focus on supporting my sisters’ from afar as my mother was hospitalized. Fortunately, the hospitalization was short, and the follow-up seems to be improving her condition rapidly; her quality of life is improving beyond what it was a month ago! And I am relieved that I didn’t need to make an unplanned road trip to Texas.

We ventured out for a walk around Druid Hill Park and through the Christmas lights at Brookside Gardens. Both were enjoyable outdoor experiences…good for our mental health. There are other outdoor activities we’ve planned…but on our own in uncrowded settings rather than organized events. The more we learn about Omicron, the more cautious we are becoming.

It’s cold enough that I have ramped up indoor activities… another effort to avoid thinking too much about my cancer. I am spending considerable time on a Coursera course: Anatomy of the Upper and Lower Extremities (from Yale University). During the holidays, I spend more time cooking…making more complicated recipes and trying new things. And there are the regular things like Zentangle tiles and book browsing that I can ‘do more’ too. I’ve started buying flowers every time I got to the grocery store since the view from my window now is bare trees; on the plus side, the birds are easier to see.

Overall – this month of waiting has not been hard at all. At this point, my mental perspective is about the same as it was a month ago although I find myself bracing for the possibility of the increases in hospitalizations from the pandemic causing a postponement of my surgery…an event that would be a major setback from my perspective.

Longwood Gardens – Macro Photography

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I took more macro pictures at Longwood Gardens than I ever have before. I was using my phone with a clip-on macro lens and a clicker that was hanging around my neck. I seemed so easy to move the phone into position with one hand and click the image with the other. It all started while we were standing in line to enter the gardens. There were plants around even there. The couple in front of me was interested in the images I was getting.

The conservatory was full of plants that often look like abstract art when viewed with a macro lens. My favorite is the leaf with the larger veins almost glowing…white dots making an aura alongside.

In the meadow – there were lots of asters and plants going to seed.

There were a few bugs on the plants too – milkweed bug and some bees.

Several ‘lessons learned’ from the day –

  • Wear a big hat and use the body and had to shade the areas I am photographing. It’s easier to see the screen (to make sure the right part is in focus) and reduces shadows.

  • Review everything in the pockets of the photovest and reduce as much weight as possible. In places with plenty of places to refill my water bottle – a smaller one would be better. I should have left my small point and shoot camera at home (every bit of weight counts!). I was glad I decided not to carry my monopod.

It worked well to

  • Pace ourselves by sitting down occasionally on available benches (sometimes taking pictures while sitting!)

  • Wear a bandana to keep the sun off my neck and the V in front. It worked better than sunscreen! It also offers a bit of padding where the photovest sometimes rubs the back of my neck.   

Cancer Diary – Entry 4

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After a two week wait, the appointment with the surgeon occurred. The office was in an area that I hadn’t been to before - part of a major academic institution with a surgeon that was a specialist in the type of surgery I needed. My husband accompanied me as a second set of ears. Neither one of us has prior experience with cancer or surgeries like I needed so we anticipated it would be a learning experience even though we had prepared ourselves by reading the information provided by my endocrinologist and following some of the references with internet searches.

The appointment lasted about 1.5 hours and most of the time was spent with the surgeon and his assistant talking. They explained the procedure…setting expectations – and answered questions. I had come with a few but there were no big surprises since we had done our ‘homework.’ The prognosis is very positive since the cancer was discovered early through the monitoring that had been part of my annual physical for the past 7-8 years. They did a couple of tests to hone the exact type of surgery needed…and then the last few minutes were with the scheduler. Their schedule is so busy that the surgery is almost 3 months out. Evidently there are a lot of these type surgeries happening right now – maybe because of a backlog that developed during the pandemic and prior to vaccine availability.

A few days before the appointment – I got family news that one of my aunts was in the hospital diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and the evening after my appointment I learned that she was in the process of being released – returning home under hospice care. She is only about 8 years older than me! I grieve that her life is ending….also grateful that my cancer is a more treatable kind with a very high survival/cure rate.

When I am thinking objectively, the reassurance from the doctors that 1) this type of cancer is one of the most treatable and 2) the delay is not problematic is believable; however, on an emotional level, I realize that I need to keep busy over the interim between now and mid-January to keep myself from becoming overly anxious. Before we got home from the appointment, I had already decided to make a 2-week road trip to Texas to see my family….and to do more decorating than I have in recent years for November and December. I was glad that my husband was with me and was supportive of what I wanted to do. I plan to visit my daughter during my road trip and there will be a public observing night at the university’s observatory on the first evening I am there…an opportunity for me to see her at work! (We did ‘take your daughter to work’ days when she was growing up….so this could be our first ‘take your mother to work’ event!)