Evaluating Memory Care – The Decision

After preparing as best I could by printing checklists and reviewing websites, I toured 3 memory care facilities. I eliminated one because of cost. After I analyzed my observations of the other two, I realized how similar they were in terms of cost, services, staffing, and physical amenities. They both would likely meet my dad’s needs in almost identical ways.

The only thing that skewed me toward one of them was trees – one had trees around porches in their outdoor courtyard and the other had screened porches and lower vegetation in a theirs; I always like more trees…but they are not as important to my dad now and having the option of being outdoors and protected from mosquitoes by the screened porches might be more important for his health.

In the end, I discovered that two of my sisters had made their decision before I even did my tours. The meeting to decide became very uncomfortable. As the oldest I tried to listen to all sides but came away emotionally battered. There was no way for me to thread the needle where it was a win for all. I believe it is a win for my dad because it will be significantly better than his existing situation, but I don’t feel like it was a win or a neutral for me…and it certainly isn’t a win for my sister that has, up until now, spent the most days visiting my dad. I am saddened that once my sisters and I get my dad moved, we will schedule when we visit him and minimize interactions between each other.

Families sometimes form stronger bonds under stress. Mine has split into factions. Sometimes there are inklings of good vibes like there were years ago, but we can’t seem to sustain them. At one time I thought perhaps I would enjoy living closer to my sisters when I was very old, but that possibility is not likely now. I remember that my mother went through the same thinking process and ultimately decided that living close to her children was a better option - so maybe this is family history repeating itself.

Ten Little Celebrations – October 2025

October included some great volunteer and travel experiences…and plenty at home to celebrate too.

Road trip to Jefferson City – I celebrated the Missouri Department of Conservation Partners Roundtable (particularly Dr. Nadia Navarrete-Tindall talking about edible native plants), touring the Missouri capitol building, and Ha Ha Tonka State Park!

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Corn on the cob from the grill - The temperatures were milder…we cooked on the grill more often and I always enjoy the corn on the cob cooked that way.

New faucets on bathroom and kitchen sink - My husband installed new faucets (with a little help from me holding things together while he tightened from underneath). The old ones had been leaking onto the counters when they were turned on. We are both enjoying the dry counters around the new faucets!

Season finale for the Butterfly House - I savored the final volunteer days and the celebration for the volunteers and staff.

Home school fair – I celebrated that so many people visited my table at the Home school Fair and seemed to enjoy learning about trees.

My car repaired – The damage to my car (mostly underneath) was repaired and I have already taken it on a road trip. I celebrated that it was fixed quickly and that it looks ‘good as new.’

Hiking poles – I cheered myself onward during my first test walk with hiking poles…have high hopes that they will help me avoid back pain on future hikes.

Memory care – I celebrated finding two memory care facilities that would be good candidates for my dad’s next home. My sisters and I had a difficult time choosing (and it was stressful)….not something I am celebrating.

New hot water heater and dishwasher – I celebrated that the new appliances were installed quickly…that the hot water heater is better for the environment (heat pump electric rather than natural gas) and the dishwasher is quieter than our old one.

A rainy day - The past few months have been very dry in our area so the rainy days in the later part of October were something to celebrate – although the rain came too late to have brilliant leaf colors this fall. The leaves are still mostly on the trees…muted colors.

Evaluating Memory Care Facilities – Again

My sisters and I have decided the niggling issues with my dad’s current assisted living/memory care situation have become significant enough for us to research moving him to a different facility. The main issues are:

• The staff yells rather than coming to get him for meals. He thinks all the yelling is directed at him (even when the are yelling for someone else to come).

• He is alone in his room a lot.

• His fingernails are always dirty, and the staff does not clean his electric razor.

• When he doesn’t like a meal (usually because he can’t chew the meat well), they don’t offer anything else even though we provide protein shakes for that issue.

• Things seem to disappear – clothes, towels, combs.

Some of the appealing aspects of the place we chose 2 years ago don’t matter as much now. For example, he is no longer physically able to walk in the beautiful neighborhood; he doesn’t see well enough to see the details of the trees and small garden near the patio which we have planted/watered although he does enjoy the yard furniture on the patio when it’s not too hot or cold. The smaller setting of a former house turned into assisted living/memory care has not led to interactions or friendships with the staff or other residents as we expected.

 I am being more thorough when I look for a place now and I have a checklist that I cobbled together from various sources(https://alzni.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/assisted-living-checklist.pdf, https://www.agingtogether.org/uploads/1/3/0/9/130908318/memory_care_checklist.pdf, and https://www.aplaceformom.com/caregiver-resources/articles/memory-care-checklist).

I have three places that I am looking at in detail. I’ve looked at their websites and made an appointment for a tour. My sister filled in some of the checklist for one of them and I have incorporated the answers she got into the checklist I will use when I do the tour with them.

All of them are larger than where he is now…more institutional. They have more specialized staff because of their size – nurses in the facility on weekdays and on call the rest of the time, a chef. My sisters and I feel the responsibility making the best decision for him and his ongoing needs. We acknowledge that the move will not be without some anxiety for him and for us…but we are doing everything we can to make sure it will be better him (after the settling in time).