Road Trip to Texas – February 2026

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I made my monthly trip to Lewisville TX to visit with my dad near the end of the month. It was a more structured road trip than my usual. I stopped to meet my sister that had prepared his tax filing on my way down – since I am the one that must sign for him.

Once I got to the memory care facility, I had a meeting with a couple of staff members to work on some outstanding issues. He is starting his 5th month at the place, and I am a little frustrated that there are a few things that seem to not be as easily resolved (for example, they can’t seem to help him shave daily…and the stubble on his face is something he doesn’t like). On the plus side – they consistently cut is food so that it is easy for him to feed himself (something we had been unable to get done in his previous home).

I managed to visit with Dad too. We walked around the courtyard because the day was very pleasant – and then I accompanied him to the assisted living side of the place to visit with a friend and then do some PT in their gym.

Later in the day – about the time he went off to dinner, I joined a group of other families in a dementia support group. There were three other families…and a facilitator. It was a bit of a disappointment. My dad is about a decade older than the other residents that had family members at the meeting! I am realizing that, while he needs assistance for daily living, he is very easy to work with compared to some other situations.

The next morning, he seemed tired when I saw him after breakfast – maybe a result of the amount of activity from the previous afternoon. It was too cool to walk outside in the courtyard, but we did walk in the hallway. I noticed that there are a few St. Paterick’s Day decorations, but they are relatively subdued compared to the Thanksgiving – Christmas – Valentines decorations of the past few months.

I noticed some framed botanical prints in the hallway that I hadn’t noticed before. I wondered how many of these things he can appreciate with his eyesight declining so much in the past 6 months.

That thought continued when we got back to his room – does he know there is a pinwheel in his potted plant…that the tractor and beagle figure are on the dresser. There is a large screen television that we use to play a slideshow of outdoor places; he seems to notice that the picture is changing but can’t tell what the picture contains. The visual appeal of the environment is likely not as important to him now – but it does make it more pleasant for us when we visit!

Sustaining Elder Care – February 2026

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My dad has been in his new memory care place since mid-November, and we are still not quite settled. He had a visit from a podiatrist, and they sent information on getting into their portal to see the report to me rather than my sister that handles his medical care (i.e. is his Medical POA) …a continuing issue which I have now escalated to the director since it has happened with other providers. My dad has been seen by a Nurse Practitioner and had bloodwork, but my sister had to ask for the results repeatedly before getting them and the question of the physician or medical practice that is monitoring the Nurse Practitioner has not been answered.

On the plus side, the facility has started using a new app to report to families about the activities their person in memory care is participating in like music therapy, hands & nails spa, coffee bar social, and (most frequently) chair exercise. The app has the capability of including pictures but, so far, they haven’t been doing that; it could be that it would take an extra staff person to get pictures during the activity. Since I am not local – I like the daily reports through the app to understand the types of activities he does with other people.

One of my other sisters was able to attend a session held for families of people in memory care and sent us “what NOT to do --- what to do instead.” Since we are all trying to be respectful and accept our father the way he is now, we do reasonably well. Our challenge is to have a conversation with our dad. We’ve come to accept his pronouncements whether they reflect reality or not…encouraged that he is trying to communicate.

It is not easy to watch a person that has been around for my whole life decline. He is a very different person now than he was during my growing up. I’m glad that my sisters and I are staying engaged with his care. We are all learning from his experience…storing away ideas for the way we want to live our own lives. None of us wants to regret anything.

Sustaining Elder Care – December 2025

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It’s been a little more than a month since my sisters and I moved my dad to a memory care facility – away from the memory care residence we had moved him to in January 2023. We had decided that the residence no longer met his needs very well; he was spending a lot of time in his room on his own and the staff yelled for him to come to them for medications and meals. I’m looking back over the last month and realizing that there have been some challenges, but the move was worth it.

His new room require some new furnishings because it was bigger and configured differently. For example – the sink did not have surface area around it so we bought a piece that would provide surface area for things like his toothbrush and water glass plus some storage. It makes it easier for the staff to have the towels in the bathroom rather than in the closet! The room was big enough for 2 guess chairs rather than just one and he now has a chest of drawers to supplement the drawers under his bed (and we are not using the drawers under the bed very much now).

He was confused about the new place…anxious that he would not be able to find his way back to his room and forgetful about how to use the key fob to unlock his door. My sisters put seasonal wreaths on his door as do quite a few other resident’s families….so we opted to emphasize the Beagle Welcome sign. His eyesight is not great but perhaps the O of the wreath with the sign underneath is something he can see well enough. He is getting more proficient with the key fob that he wears around his wrist.

He complained about his big toe hurting and we discovered a bruise. He doesn’t remember anything happening that could have caused it. We are assuming he ran into a piece of furniture sometime when he didn’t have shoes on….not that long after he moved into his new place and was unfamiliar with everything. The bruise has disappeared now.

The staff was not used to shaving residents! My dad has an electric razor and the only staff member that knew how to use it was a male! We noticed that the other men in memory care all have beards. My dad is more comfortable now that he has assistance shaving. We discovered that the facility does not require electric razors (rather than old razors that can be a hazard for memory care residents)….perhaps they will change.

On the plus side – the facility consistently cuts up my dad’s food so that he can feed himself, gets him out of his room for exercise and socialization, helps him find his room/open his door as needed, and has taken quick action when we have noticed an issue.

The decorations for Christmas cover a lot of surface area inside my dad’s room right now…and a large television to play landscapes and animal scenes has been mounted above the dresser. I haven’t seen them yet. One of my goals, because of his eyesight and cognitive challenges, is to diplomatically encourage my sisters to declutter as much as possible.

Evaluating Memory Care – The Decision

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After preparing as best I could by printing checklists and reviewing websites, I toured 3 memory care facilities. I eliminated one because of cost. After I analyzed my observations of the other two, I realized how similar they were in terms of cost, services, staffing, and physical amenities. They both would likely meet my dad’s needs in almost identical ways.

The only thing that skewed me toward one of them was trees – one had trees around porches in their outdoor courtyard and the other had screened porches and lower vegetation in a theirs; I always like more trees…but they are not as important to my dad now and having the option of being outdoors and protected from mosquitoes by the screened porches might be more important for his health.

In the end, I discovered that two of my sisters had made their decision before I even did my tours. The meeting to decide became very uncomfortable. As the oldest I tried to listen to all sides but came away emotionally battered. There was no way for me to thread the needle where it was a win for all. I believe it is a win for my dad because it will be significantly better than his existing situation, but I don’t feel like it was a win or a neutral for me…and it certainly isn’t a win for my sister that has, up until now, spent the most days visiting my dad. I am saddened that once my sisters and I get my dad moved, we will schedule when we visit him and minimize interactions between each other.

Families sometimes form stronger bonds under stress. Mine has split into factions. Sometimes there are inklings of good vibes like there were years ago, but we can’t seem to sustain them. At one time I thought perhaps I would enjoy living closer to my sisters when I was very old, but that possibility is not likely now. I remember that my mother went through the same thinking process and ultimately decided that living close to her children was a better option - so maybe this is family history repeating itself.

Ten Little Celebrations – October 2025

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October included some great volunteer and travel experiences…and plenty at home to celebrate too.

Road trip to Jefferson City – I celebrated the Missouri Department of Conservation Partners Roundtable (particularly Dr. Nadia Navarrete-Tindall talking about edible native plants), touring the Missouri capitol building, and Ha Ha Tonka State Park!

Corn on the cob from the grill - The temperatures were milder…we cooked on the grill more often and I always enjoy the corn on the cob cooked that way.

New faucets on bathroom and kitchen sink - My husband installed new faucets (with a little help from me holding things together while he tightened from underneath). The old ones had been leaking onto the counters when they were turned on. We are both enjoying the dry counters around the new faucets!

Season finale for the Butterfly House - I savored the final volunteer days and the celebration for the volunteers and staff.

Home school fair – I celebrated that so many people visited my table at the Home school Fair and seemed to enjoy learning about trees.

My car repaired – The damage to my car (mostly underneath) was repaired and I have already taken it on a road trip. I celebrated that it was fixed quickly and that it looks ‘good as new.’

Hiking poles – I cheered myself onward during my first test walk with hiking poles…have high hopes that they will help me avoid back pain on future hikes.

Memory care – I celebrated finding two memory care facilities that would be good candidates for my dad’s next home. My sisters and I had a difficult time choosing (and it was stressful)….not something I am celebrating.

New hot water heater and dishwasher – I celebrated that the new appliances were installed quickly…that the hot water heater is better for the environment (heat pump electric rather than natural gas) and the dishwasher is quieter than our old one.

A rainy day - The past few months have been very dry in our area so the rainy days in the later part of October were something to celebrate – although the rain came too late to have brilliant leaf colors this fall. The leaves are still mostly on the trees…muted colors.

Evaluating Memory Care Facilities – Again

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My sisters and I have decided the niggling issues with my dad’s current assisted living/memory care situation have become significant enough for us to research moving him to a different facility. The main issues are:

  • The staff yells rather than coming to get him for meals. He thinks all the yelling is directed at him (even when the are yelling for someone else to come).

  • He is alone in his room a lot.

  • His fingernails are always dirty, and the staff does not clean his electric razor.

  • When he doesn’t like a meal (usually because he can’t chew the meat well), they don’t offer anything else even though we provide protein shakes for that issue.

  • Things seem to disappear – clothes, towels, combs.

Some of the appealing aspects of the place we chose 2 years ago don’t matter as much now. For example, he is no longer physically able to walk in the beautiful neighborhood; he doesn’t see well enough to see the details of the trees and small garden near the patio which we have planted/watered although he does enjoy the yard furniture on the patio when it’s not too hot or cold. The smaller setting of a former house turned into assisted living/memory care has not led to interactions or friendships with the staff or other residents as we expected.

 I am being more thorough when I look for a place now and I have a checklist that I cobbled together from various sources(https://alzni.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/assisted-living-checklist.pdf, https://www.agingtogether.org/uploads/1/3/0/9/130908318/memory_care_checklist.pdf, and https://www.aplaceformom.com/caregiver-resources/articles/memory-care-checklist).

I have three places that I am looking at in detail. I’ve looked at their websites and made an appointment for a tour. My sister filled in some of the checklist for one of them and I have incorporated the answers she got into the checklist I will use when I do the tour with them.

All of them are larger than where he is now…more institutional. They have more specialized staff because of their size – nurses in the facility on weekdays and on call the rest of the time, a chef. My sisters and I feel the responsibility making the best decision for him and his ongoing needs. We acknowledge that the move will not be without some anxiety for him and for us…but we are doing everything we can to make sure it will be better him (after the settling in time).