Evaluating Memory Care – The Decision

After preparing as best I could by printing checklists and reviewing websites, I toured 3 memory care facilities. I eliminated one because of cost. After I analyzed my observations of the other two, I realized how similar they were in terms of cost, services, staffing, and physical amenities. They both would likely meet my dad’s needs in almost identical ways.

The only thing that skewed me toward one of them was trees – one had trees around porches in their outdoor courtyard and the other had screened porches and lower vegetation in a theirs; I always like more trees…but they are not as important to my dad now and having the option of being outdoors and protected from mosquitoes by the screened porches might be more important for his health.

In the end, I discovered that two of my sisters had made their decision before I even did my tours. The meeting to decide became very uncomfortable. As the oldest I tried to listen to all sides but came away emotionally battered. There was no way for me to thread the needle where it was a win for all. I believe it is a win for my dad because it will be significantly better than his existing situation, but I don’t feel like it was a win or a neutral for me…and it certainly isn’t a win for my sister that has, up until now, spent the most days visiting my dad. I am saddened that once my sisters and I get my dad moved, we will schedule when we visit him and minimize interactions between each other.

Families sometimes form stronger bonds under stress. Mine has split into factions. Sometimes there are inklings of good vibes like there were years ago, but we can’t seem to sustain them. At one time I thought perhaps I would enjoy living closer to my sisters when I was very old, but that possibility is not likely now. I remember that my mother went through the same thinking process and ultimately decided that living close to her children was a better option - so maybe this is family history repeating itself.