Sandwiched Matriarch

Are you a sandwiched matriarch - one with an elderly mother and a daughter in the stress of early or mid-career? I am. And I am celebrating that I can play the role of the luscious center to the sandwich. It’s exhilarating to realize that I can be the glue that mends whatever needs develop in the generation before and after my own.

Many women live into their 80s or 90s…and that means that their daughters are often in their 50s and 60s. Even a healthy elder requires more support from their children than they did when they were in their 60s and 70s. For example, my mother opted not to drive after her 80th birthday; it was a proactive decision on her part. My sisters and I supported the idea and its ramifications. We have also become much more knowledgeable about maneuvering through the health care system and support mechanisms for older people. The goal is to keep our mothers active and engage in our lives for as long as possible. I particularly enjoy the challenge to make the most of my mother’s current interest and physical ability to see things like the annual cherry blossoms around the Washington Monument and large museums. We need to learn to accept the sometimes rapid changes in older people as easily as we accept the growth of young children; we cannot let the relative stability of mid-life set the standard expectation as a person passes into their 80s and 90s. There has already been one instance when I was away from home for more than a month to help my mother through a difficult health issue.

I also have a career oriented daughter. She lives far away; phone calls and emails are not the same as seeing her in person. At least one vacation a year is planned around a time that I can spend some time with her. And the interaction will come much greater if she and her husband decide to have children. I’ve already committed to being close enough to be the child care provider so that my daughter can continue in her career. It’s an advantage I can give that benefits her and the next generation. I had my own career as she was growing up; the child care we employed for her was excellent - but I can do even better for her children and it is something I want to do.

The sandwiched matriarch gets pulled or squashed (a stressful time either way) if both mother and daughter have concurrent needs. That has not happened so far in my life….and I’ll just deal with it if and when it does.